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What He said:

He
He Said, She Said Review Site

Everyone has experienced meeting a significant other’s family for the first time in their life. It is something that everyone who has been in any kind of relationship goes through. To put it simply, it’s a part of life. Not many people can say they experienced anything like what Erin is about to go through.

Erin (Sharni Vinson) is accompanying her boyfriend Crispian (A.J. Bowen) to a family reunion at his parent’s vacation home, in the middle of nowhere, to celebrate their anniversary.  Crispian warns Erin that things could get uncomfortable. Apparently, the whole family hasn’t gotten together in quite some time, and not everyone is on good terms.

This is pretty obvious from the get to. Early on, it is obvious that Crispian does not get along with his brother Drake; who I have to point out looks like the love child of Michael C. Hall and Colin Hanks. The really funny part is sometimes he looks more like one than the other. Here he looks like Michael C. Hall. Here he looks like Colin Hanks. I could not stop thinking about this throughout the movie. Between that and the fact that the character he was playing was a grade-A dick, I laughed every time I saw him.

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Ok, so basically during dinner the family is suddenly attacked by unknown assailants.  The rest of the movie, most of them spend their time crying, while Erin decides to fight back (apparently she’s Rambo).

This movie has respectable reviews from critics according to Rotten Tomatoes. That is why I decided to rent it. Its Halloween time and I wanted to watch something in the spirit of the season. But man-oh-man did this movie suck. I think critics must have actually been high or paid off when they reviewed this movie. It was awful from top-to-bottom.
My first clue was the dinner scene. The banter and bickering that was going on, while intentional, was brutal to watch.  These people are annoying. You are supposed to hate them. But you don’t hate them because you are supposed to; you hate them because their performances are distractingly bad. The emotion was not genuine. They took me out of the movie-viewing experience. When you start critiquing the performances in your head, it’s all over.

The young lady who played Zee was one of the least convincing actresses I have ever seen. Her performance was so bad that not only did I not buy it, none of the characters around her should have either. She was so calm – and downright bland at times – that everyone around her should have said, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Not only did the actress not sell the performance, the character didn’t sell her own performance (minor spoiler, but she was in on the whole thing). I’m really not spoiling anything for you, because from the second she speaks, you knew she was one of the bad guys.
Even the guy who played Drake, who I laughed at quite a bit, was brutal. His performance as the jerky brother was so forced and awkward. The guy couldn’t even play a jerk right.

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The lead wasn’t that bad. She was the only one worth a damn to be honest. However, the way the character was written was not very well thought out. Horror movies have a long tradition of using the strong female lead.  But when you do that, it’s common to have some kind of transition. You take a character, whom you don’t expect to be the strongest or the last one alive, but has an “ah-ha!” moment and does a 180. There was no transition in this movie. As soon as the shit hits the fan, this chick turns into Rambo. They have an explanation for why she reacts this way, but I wasn’t buying it. She shows no fear at all. Nobody reacts this way. Even when you fight back, you’re still scared.

This movie tried to interject humor, which is fine, and when done right in horror can actually be quite funny. But this movie wasn’t funny. Some of the things simply weren't funny, while some things they chose to make light of were just bizarre. I didn’t laugh at the funny parts and instead laughed at the bad performances and irrational character decisions and reactions.

Rating: Thumbs down.

This movie review was given the He said, She said seal of approval on October 7, 2014.

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What She said:

She
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Rotten Tomatoes classifies You’re Next as a drama, horror, and mystery and suspense film.  What they don’t call it, however, is a comedy.  But throughout the 1 hour 34 minute runtime of this film, I found myself cracking up.  I mean, it’s so unbelievably predictable and bad, it’s hilarious.  And I do believe some of the humor is intended.  So, let’s add comedy to the genre classification of this film.

You’re Next tells the story of the Davison family who are reuniting for a dinner up at their vacation home.  Here’s what you need to know about the Davisons—they’re rich, stuffy, and remarkably stupid, despite being categorized as intellectuals.  Anyway, Crispian (yummy name), a struggling college professor, and his girlfriend Erin are the first to arrive.  Parents Aubrey and Paul are in the process of freaking out already, as Aubrey thinks there may be someone in the home.  When they arrived to begin setting up for the dinner, they discovered the front door unlocked.  Before too long, brother Drake, other brother Felix, and sister Aimee all show up as well.  Each is toting a significant other.

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It doesn’t take long before they all start arguing.  A ferocious spat breaks out at the dinner table, because let’s face it, these people have the maturity level of five-year-olds.  But what’s this?  Mercifully someone has started to pick them off one-by-one through a window by way of a crossbow.  Yes!  The mayhem begins.  The family goes berserk, trying to figure out what is going on as they’re attacked and murdered in the most brutal fashion by guys wearing weird pale animal masks. 

It’s quickly apparent that the family, in addition to be stupid, are also incapable of defending themselves in any way, shape, or form.  This movie isn’t very long, and that’s because it’s pretty easy to kill these idiots off.  However, one among them actually gives the masked intruders a run for their money.  It’s Aussie girlfriend Erin.  Turns out, she was raised by survivalists (as I assume all those from the Outback have been) and so she’s got some mad skills.  I bet the killers wish they had known that ahead of time.  Maybe on the next go around they’ll do their research.  Oh wait, there will be no next go around because Erin manages to cut each of them down  in spectacular fashion. 

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Sooooooo, Erin gets all homicidal on everyone’s tushes, and pretty much no one survives.  Whoops, spoiler alert.  Well, no bother.  The movie kind of sucks, and you’re not missing much by knowing these details.  I did you a favor and didn’t drop the major spoiler of the film, just in case you do want to give this movie a go.  I mean, it’s a horror flick, Halloween is coming, and it’s free on Amazon Prime.

It’s really not an understatement to say that this movie sucks.  I mean, the acting is terrible, the special effects are mediocre, the shaky camera work is nauseating, and the death scenes are laughable.  On the upside, the moviemakers seemed to get some sort of bulk discount on red colored corn syrup, and so those who love gore will not be disappointed.  Also a plus, this movie moves into that territory of “so bad it’s good.”  It’s short enough that it’s not quite painful, and I actually found myself pretty amused.

I don’t think The He would agree with me, but under the right circumstances, this movie could be enjoyable.  Those circumstances involve about eight beers and lots of friends.  Even stone-cold sober, I smiled and chuckled quite a bit. I also made a little game out of predicting the next kill.  I did really, really well, which just goes to show how transparent this movie is.

This movie is bad, but I didn’t hate it.  I’m going to at least give it some brownie points for that.

Thumbs a quarter of the way up.

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